Nothing matters more than your loved ones, their health, and your health

About this time, last year, I was extremely depressed, full of anxiety, and completely panic stricken.
One of my cats - the one I consider "my baby" - got out of my house, and he was nowhere to be found.

I had been doing our taxes (last minute) and somehow my cat (whom I'll call Bingley) snuck outside. I was so busy and stressed out, I didn't really notice when my husband came home, opened the door to our bedroom (where I was doing our taxes), and Bingley snuck in. As Jake opened the second "outside" door (to give me some fresh air), Bingley seized his chance to sneak outside.

Because I was so busy, I hadn't even paid attention to the fact that my husband had mumbled something like, "Dangit, Bingley!"  It didn't quite register on my radar, that he was out. The cats are all indoor/outdoor, and when I kind of half heard Jake had accidentally let him out, I was too preoccupied to make enough of a mental note to do something about it. Normally, I will make sure all my kitties are in the house before I go to bed. But I was up till past 3 AM and was so focused on getting our taxes done... as far as I was concerned... Bingley was still in the house.

Without a trace

Anyway, in the morning, I noticed Bingley wasn't there in the kitchen when I went to feed the cats.  He was nowhere to be found. I looked around, but couldn't find  him. I searched the whole house and it was like he'd just vanished.  I texted my husband, and he said he hadn't seen him in the morning. I went outside and called for him, and got no response. It was crazy... to me, it was like he had disappeared into thin air. I kept thinking of that TV show title, "Without a trace." This goes to show how I really did not even remember Jake letting him out the bedroom door by accident, because as far as I was concerned, Bingley had been kidnapped!

I guess my husband assumed I had remembered he'd let Bingley outside by accident, but I didn't. I thought maybe he'd gotten out in the morning, like when Jake opened the door to go to work. When you're in a panic and someone goes missing, you start to imagine every possibility. Could someone have taken him? (He is a super cute and friendly cat). Did he wander off? Is he sick and in hiding?

Thinking the worst

My thoughts soon shifted to my worst fears: That he could have somehow been picked up by someone walking by, on the street, or that he could have somehow jumped into someone's parked car or truck, and then the car took off and Bingley would be transported to a different area. That actually happened to my neighbor's cat a few years ago. She was very shy and when she got out by mistake, she was totally freaked out and went under a car, somehow crawled into some area in the underside of the car, and then the car took off. She was transported over a mile away, and her tail got chopped off in the process. It was a really lucky break that the car just went one mile, and that she was microchipped so someone was able to track down my neighbors!!

So I kept thinking, what if Bingley got transported 25, 30, 50 miles away? What if he fell out somewhere on the freeway and got hit? He was not microchipped and not wearing a collar (I know.... stupid on my part to assume that just because he's super friendly and has never wandered, he never will). So I wouldn't even be able to identify him, if he did get loose. He could be 50 miles in any direction, for all I knew, with no easy way for a person to identify him.

I was completely panicked and stressed out for about 2 days. I made flyers, did craigslist posts, contacted the local animal shelters, got friends involved, posted on local sites, and did everything I could think of, to find Bingley.

I raised Bingley since he was so young he needed to be bottle fed. Bingley was less than 4 weeks old, and his mother, who was feral, had run away. So when I started bottle feeding him, he bonded with me and now he thinks I'm his Mom and it drives Jake nuts. If I go in the TV room, Bingley wants to be in there (and Jake is allergic).  I have 2 stepkids, but no birth children of my own, so this cat is like my little baby (even though he's almost 12 years old).

Picturing my life of misery ahead

Anyway, I couldn't stop picturing how utterly miserable I would be, if something happened to Bingley, and I lost him forever. I would be full of regret and remorse and I didn't know how I'd get over it. I kept thinking, there is no way for me to "undo" what's been done, and now I'm going to have to live the rest of my life with regrets. I should have had him microchipped. I should have had a collar on him. I am a pretty happy person but all of a sudden I was looking at a bleak future full of all these negative thoughts that would continue to haunt  me. I thought, how am I ever going to be happy again, ever, if I have to spend the rest of my life looking for him???

Well, THANK GOD, someone reported that they had him. He'd wandered all the way down the street and around the block - something he'd never, ever done before. He's never gone further than one house away! But I guess he was bored, being locked out all night. Or he was looking for a warm spot to sleep. Whatever the case, I was so, so, extremely grateful to have found him. Two people had called, to let me know that he'd been hanging out in their driveway and spent the night with a guy who was kind enough to take him in.

On the positive side of all this, I woke up to the fact that I needed to get Bingley a microchip and a new collar (I've bought many in the past but they kept falling off).

Massive appreciation

Also, I developed a massive sense of appreciation for having Bingley in my life. I realized how precious he is and how much I'd miss him if anything happened to him. The same thing happened with Jake, when he was extremely sick and going in and out of the hospital. When you can actually FEEL, deep down in your gut and all over your body, that you could be on the brink of losing someone forever, all of a sudden you realize how much they mean to you, and what you will go through to make sure you still have them around, as long as possible! Now, I have a deep sense of appreciation for both Jake and Bingley, that I never would have had if I hadn't come so close to losing them. This kind of thing makes you hug your loved ones a little longer!

Family First

Recently, one of Jake's nieces passed away very suddenly, from a stroke (it was his brother's first daughter). She fell, hit her head, and there was bleeding in her brain. Jake wasn't close to this niece, and since he's been working so much, he was thinking about skipping the memorial service, because a) he was afraid to take time off work, for financial reasons, b) the memorial service was a 4 hour drive away (and it would be POURING rain and thunderstorming that day), c) our cars are not in the best driving condition right now, and and  d) his brother (whom I'll call Dan) said he would understand if he couldn't make it.

So Jake was thinking he wasn't going to go... that is, until I stepped in : D.

I said to him, Jake, it is REALLY important to show support your brother and his daughter, even if he says it's ok not to go... it's not.  NOBODY should ever go through what your brother went through. I said, now he's like one of those parents you hear about, who's children go missing, and they've got this big hole in their heart, where something's just not right, because you are just not supposed to out-live your children. I reminded him that his brother is never going to be the same, and this is something he's going to have to carry around as a burden in his brain, for the rest of his life.

I asked Jake how he would feel if something happened to one of his kids, and how he'd feel if Dan didn't show up to their funeral, even though it was 4 hours away. I also said that his sister told me it was like a family trait that they tend to make like something is not a big deal... when it really is.  Jake nodded, and seemed to understand that this was something he should make time for. I really felt strongly that this was one of those things that he would not regret making time for. You can make up lost time from work, but not lost time from your family.

The biggest reason I wanted Jake to go, is because I keenly remember how I felt about "the people who showed up" when my father passed away about 15 years ago and we had a memorial service for him. I really valued the people who went to that service, and sent cards.... more than those people could ever know  To me, it showed that they loved and respected and honored my Dad. And the people who didn't show up were.... it was like they were disrespecting my Dad, by not showing up.

When you lose a parent or a loved one you really care for, you can start to see the world in different categories. Those who still have their parents, and those who don't. Those who show they care about your loved one, and those who don't. And I only wanted to be around people who had either lost a parent too, OR people who had shown respect for my Dad... the biggest loss of my life (I'm still not fully over it, over 16 years later).

Honestly, there was only one person who I can remember, who got invited to my Dad's memorial service and didn't show up. It was a guy whom I'd been dating, and we'd broken up but were still friends. I'll call him Brian. Brian had met my Dad before, and we had been keeping in touch, and asked to borrow my truck a few times. But then on the day of my Dad's memorial service, he was a no-show. It was like he just blew it off (I think he had a date). My attitude towards Brian became, this guy can GO TO HELL. Even though I never said anything to Brian about how really felt... that was exactly how I really felt! I would never, ever forget it that he just didn't bother to show up... when I knew he could have.

Because I remembered that experience so well, I was adamant that Jake didn't miss his niece's funeral. Jake has been in a real funk lately because our rent just went up $1500 (I am not kidding.... it is outrageous where I live... and we do NOT have a fancy house... mind you I said it went up $1500, not it went up TO $1500). There is no rent control here. And we have a TON of bills that all seem to be coming due this year, in 2017. And NOTHING causes stress like bills, bills and more bills. Anyway, I know that when you're in a funk, it's hard to think about other peoples' problems besides your own, and it's hard to make good decisions. So I told Jake's family not to definitely expect him at the memorial service, but I was working on him.


Luckily, Jake agreed to go, and it all worked out. I was so relieved!! Jake's brother, Dan, said he really appreciated that his whole family showed up.

NOTHING is more important than your family and your overall well being as a collective.

The Big Fight

I'm going to cite one more story.  Jake and I got into a fight one day.  There's more to the story than what I'm going to go into (reasons I was mad at him), and my husband is not a douchebag, but let's just say he was going through a good hours' worth of douchebaggery, by putting me in an extremely uncomfortable situation between me and  his ex wife. It was one of those moments where, you run the tale by your girlfriends and they're like, Oh no he did NOT.  And oh yes, he did. I'm not going to go into the details of that annoyance, but let's just say I'm glad it's over and we had a good talk about it.  OK, so that was "Part 1."

Part 2 was that I caught him not wearing his wedding ring, and we were about to go to his son's play, where we would have to see his ex wife and all of her family (and me and his ex wife got into a huuuuge fight last year so this was already going to be an awkward situation for me). He'd had it off for a while - like he doesn't see it as a big deal whether he has it on or off, which pisses me off because I 100% guarantee he would NOT like it if I decided to take mine off and headed up to the local bar up the street.

Jake is a designer, and he has told me in the past that he takes his ring off at work over and over because he has to work with paper and as his ring slides across the paper, it leaves a mark. He has to do this all day, so he was constantly putting it on, and then taking it off, putting it on, taking it off. And he was worried he was going to lose it.

I do understand this. I used to wear a watch all the time, until I started this blog, and then I was doing so much writing and found it was uncomfortable to write with the watch on, so I'd take it off, and put it on, and take it off, and then I just realized that it was just a pain in the ass and it was easier to leave it off.

So again... yeah, I get it. But I'm sorry, that doesn't mean you can show up at your ex wife's family get together without your wedding ring. I know that guys may not tend to look for rings on peoples' fingers, but LOTS of women do, and if they don't have it on, it gives people shit to talk about it, and it'll piss your current wife  off, period. So the fact that Jake was not wearing his, did NOT sit well with me at all. I said to Jake, before we were about to walk out the door, "Are you forgetting something?" And he said "No." While I stared as his ringless finger so hard I'm surprised my eyes didn't leave some kind of laser burn on his hand.

I said, "Are you sure you're not forgetting something?"

He looked blankly at me, and said, "No... why?"

I said, "You're not wearing your fucking wedding ring." And I took off all my rings, threw them at our front window, and said something to the effect of, "I'm not wearing this shit either." And told "You're going to that play by your fuckin' self."

I felt really bad about this because I have never missed one of his son's plays, ever. But I was so ticked off in that moment, I really just could not bear to be in the same room with him for one more minute.


I called my Mom and told her what happened, and I told her about how I'd thrown my rings across the room (I thought about throwing them in the bushes outside but imagined myself wasting hours crawling around in the dirt looking for them when I cooled off and quickly decided against it).  My Mom told me, ha, that's nothing. She actually SMASHED the ring my Dad gave her, and threw it into our cesspool!!! I  laughed so hard. Ok, so THAT's where I get it from! : D

I have to note, here, that Jake has not had it easy, being married to me (in case you couldn't guess). I am like a firecracker. When I get mad, I get really mad. I have a low tolerance for bullshit, yet I know I am so NOT PERFECT myself.  I was raised by a single mom who did things HER WAY and I had very little understanding of what it's like to have a normal, healthy, loving relationship.  When the going gets tough in a relationship, I tend to have more an attitude of, "F*** you, there's the door, don't let it hit you too hard in the ass on your way out."  For me, marriage is a CONSTANT learning process, and it hasn't been easy for me to learn that marriage is about compromise. You can't always get your way!

Anyway, Jake has since apologized, but during this time when I was so ticked off at him, I was seriously thinking about moving back home to live with my Mom for a while (she just built a brand new house that's big enough for me to move in for a while if I wanted to). I was considering all my options. My ex boyfriend (who lives a few miles away) made it pretty clear that if I ever wanted to move back home and start a new life with him, he'd be all for it.

But I get depressed when I think about moving back home. I love the family that I have now. I really do love Jake, and his kids, and his parents, and the life I have here. I don't want to move, and I don't want things to change.When things are good with me and Jake, they're great. He is a really funny, sweet, smart, thoughtful guy. But every once in a while he does stupid sh*t that drives me completely insane and I guess that's just part of being married. I'm sure he could say the same about me.

A few days prior to our fight, I'd sent Jake a photograph of a house I'd found on the internet, that made me drool. It was this gorgeous house I'd found on a site where you can buy architectural plans. I'd sent it to Jake, and told him I hoped we'd get to build a house like that one day.

And suddenly, I was picturing what it would be like, to build that house, without Jake and his kids in the picture. And it just wasn't the same. This beautiful designer house that had me drooling just a few days prior, suddenly had NO appeal. It was just like an empty house that wouldn't feel like home. I might as well live in a cramped studio, because I would be NO happier in a big fancy house, if I didn't have Jake around, to enjoy it with me!

What are fancy houses and cars worth, without your loved ones to enjoy them with?

When I was first learning about the water I keep talking about, the woman (who I call Crystal) who sold me the machine, told me a story about this couple whom she'd been sharing the water with, for months. The husband had cancer, and when he started drinking the water, he felt a lot better, and things were going well. But when their "water trial" time was up, and Crystal asked if they were ready to buy one, the wife explained that it wasn't a good time to get one, because they'd just committed to spending $15,000.00 on re-doing their kitchen, and they were about to go on a vacation. It was clear that they had the money for a machine... but they chose to spend it on other things.

Crystal warned them that sometimes people get used to how they feel after drinking the water, and it's easy to forget how sick they were before. But they blew off her warning, figuring the husband was just fine, now, and they didn't need the water anymore. 

Well, when they went on the vacation, and they were suddenly without the water that had helped that man turn around, he took a turn for the worse, and started going downhill fast. He wound up back in the hospital... and he died.

I wonder how that woman is enjoying their fancy $15,000 kitchen, now.

The reason I'm making this post is because I am constantly reminded that the things are REALLY important in life, that make ME happy, are family and friends, and their health and well being. Their health and well being is MY health and well being!

Yeah, it was a huge pain in the butt for me to have to go through "The Rollercoaster of Cirrhosis" with my husband. I spent many, many hours looking for answers on the internet, and it actually put us into a HUUUGE financial hole (you could say we were already in a shallow grave sized trench, but now were were in something the size of a swimming pool). To have one couple in a relationship suddenly STOP WORKING, completely - when you're about to be faced by a SLEW of medical bills... is like a recipe for financial disaster.

But I had to go through it. Because there was NOTHING that was more important than my husband getting better. As far as I was concerned, he HAD to get better. There was NO other option. I didn't care if we got severely into debt, to the point of drowning. I had to spend my time researching stuff. And then when i found things that worked, I couldn't help wanting to share it through this blog, so other people wouldn't have to go through the same nightmare that we did (at least, not to the same extent).

Sometimes I hear about people who can't decide if they should get a water machine or a Professional PEMF machine or do things that are going to cost some money. And I don't want to pressure anyone, but what I want to do is say, ask yourself how you would feel if you didn't have that person in your life anymore. How would you feel if you were haunted by the idea that you didn't try everything you could think of, to help them?  I don't know about you, but despite the fact that I've been poor for most of my life, I know that if I really need or want to find a way to do something... I'll find a way to do it!!!

There was a time where I thought our best option for Jake was for him to get stem cell treatments in China, that would cost $30,000 to $40,000.00.  And I was dead set on raising that money to help him, no matter what it took, I was going to figure out a way to do it!  I knew there were no guarantees that ANYTHING would "cure" him of cirrhosis, but I was more than willing to pay for whatever was the thing that would help him the most, and buy him the most time. My main goal was to just KEEP HIM ALIVE.

Jake is a really, really good Dad, and his kids would be beyond devastated if anything happened to him. So I felt like it was my responsibility to make sure he was still around, as long as possible!

I know that, whatever we do in life, it doesn't mean we're going to live forever. I take over 10 supplements a day, try to eat healthy (usually), I drink our special detox water, and I sit on our PEMF mat, and I know that it's still not enough for me to cheat death.  But maybe it will buy me and Jake another 10, 20 years of life.  There is no crystal ball that will ever tell us, the TRUE "time difference" between "scenario A" (where you do all the extra stuff) and "scenario B" (where you don't do anything, and just let nature take it's course). So really, the best we can do is hope that we're on the right path, and that we've made the right choice.

My main thing is that I want to live my life without regrets. I feel very fortunate to have the life that I do. Much as me and Jake can drive each other nuts, I know I have a good husband, a good life, good health, a good family, good friends, a good job, a healthy body, and a LOT to be grateful for.  I am happy that I don't have any regrets about having stayed with Jake through the hard stuff. I have no regrets about quitting my job in order to work on this blog and tell people about the water and PEMF mats, full time. I have no regrets about us buying these machines, despite the fact that we had to save up for them.

Because health is something I will pay TOP DOLLAR for.  I don't give a crap about driving a fancy car, having fancy clothes or shoes, going on vacations, having a fancy kitchen, getting my nails or my hair done. Yeah, it'd be nice ONE day, but right now these things are SO LOW on the priority list, it's like they don't even exist.  There are a lot of things that are considered "valuable" and important, but very few things in life are what you could consider "irreplaceable."  And your family and health are on that "irreplaceable" list!

There's nothing more important than your health, and the health and well being of those you love and care for.  NOTHING. If you don't believe me, take a minute to ask yourself, how will I really feel if I lose this person, for good. How empty is my life going to feel? How long is it take me to get over this? Will my life ever be the same? How important is my own health?

For me, it always went back to the same thing. There was nothing more important than my health, and the health and well being of my family and loved ones. Period. I'm so grateful to still have Jake and his family around.

Now I just gotta find those damn rings in the carpet.